6 Tips For Long Distance Relationship
Even when you are incredibly in love with each other, navigating a long-distance relationship can be difficult, similar to navigating a maze while blindfolded. But in spite of the doubters, long-distance relationships can succeed if both partners are sincere about making the relationship work and are prepared to go above and beyond.
The essential components—trust, communication, and commitment—are just as important in long-distance relationships as they are in in-person ones, if they are magnified, according to Rachel Hoffman, a therapist and chief clinical officer at Real.
Routines like romantic date nights and leisurely Saturday mornings seem to fall into place naturally in traditional relationships. But as relationships specialist for Paired Moraya Seeger DeGeare notes, every connection, every gesture, becomes a conscious decision in a long-distance situation.
1. Make A Plan You Both Feel Good About.
According to Dr. Hoffman, spending a lot of time apart from your partner on a daily or weekly basis might increase feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. Moments of intimacy, such as embraces and hangouts, offer reassurance that is more difficult to get in a relationship that is conducted over great distances. Dr. Hoffman advises setting up a routine and clear plan for your partnership in order to close this gap.
To match your expectations, Drs. Hoffman and DeGeare advise you to ask the following questions:
- How often ought we to speak with each other?
- Which kind of call—video or phone—do you prefer?
- How do you feel about our sexual relationship?
- Do you feel at ease engaging in sexting or phone sex?
- How frequently can we actually get together in person?
- Who is going to travel to whom?
- How will we coordinate our schedules if we’re in separate time zones?
- Do you prefer morning calls or good morning texts?
- How soon can I anticipate getting back to me on messages?”
It may take some adjusting to find common ground in your long-distance relationship plans, but Dr. Hoffman says that once you get going, it helps to check in on a regular basis (maybe with a monthly “state-of-the-union” meeting). This enables you to assess what is currently functioning properly and what may require modification. For example, those Skype talks in the wee hours of the morning may be more stressful than pleasurable, or maybe the novelty of intimacy over the phone is getting old.
Dr. Hoffman stresses that this should be an ongoing, cooperative effort. You may stay connected even while you are physically apart by talking about how you feel about future visits, communication, and intimacy.
2. Discuss Your Endgame Too.
Do all happy long-distance relationships require one partner to move back for love at some point? Not invariably. DeGeare and Dr. Hoffman claim that some couples in long-term relationships are quite happy to live in different places without any intention of moving at all. According to DeGeare, the quantity of emotional closeness required in a relationship might vary depending on several factors, but shared experiences and time are essential for sustaining it.
But eventually, sharing the dream of living together is common, particularly if you both intend to create a family in the future. It could feel too soon to talk about moving in together if your relationship is still young or if it started out far away. Understanding one another’s long-term aspirations is the main objective rather than pressuring someone into making a particular commitment. “If things go well, do you see us building a life together in the same place someday?” is a possible question to pose to your spouse.
Dr. Hoffman emphasizes the importance of open communication and honesty between spouses regarding expectations. It’s critical to avoid presumptions, such as when one person believes you will stay together while the other would rather have separate lives. People’s plans and emotions can change, so it’s important to feel comfortable talking about any changes in your future goals in a good long-term relationship (LDR). In this manner, you can jointly review your plans and determine whether you remain in line with the initial vision that you agreed.
3. Voice Your Jealousy And Insecurities.
It’s been so difficult lately to coordinate your schedules with your partner’s that you can’t even remember the last meaningful late-night conversation you had. They can’t stop gushing about Rory, their wonderful study partner who gets to have lunch with them in person and looks stunning in every picture you see on social media, in the meantime. Apparently, Rory is also a drummer? All of it is beginning to overwhelm you.
Dr. Hoffman notes that the true problem here isn’t Rory, but rather your relationship’s lack of stability and trust. The best course of action is to communicate your feelings as soon as you can and as clearly as you can: “I feel jealous of Rory.” “You avoid situations where you don’t text them for days to make a point or look for your own ‘Rory,'” says Dr. Hoffman, “by talking it out with your partner.” “When communication breaks down in a long-distance relationship, things get worse quickly because you can’t talk things out in person.”
Early on, expressing your opinions to others helps you avoid pointless arguments and mental unpleasant scenarios. “People frequently end up blaming their partner for things like avoiding calls or not responding when they don’t communicate their insecurities,” Dr. Hoffman continues. “It turns into, ‘You’re ignoring me,’ rather than dealing with the actual problem.”
When you communicate to your partner what you need to feel reassured, it’s critical that they listen to you and support you (within reason). “Can you be there for me when I need you?’ is a crucial question in any relationship,” adds DeGeare. For example, you may require more intimacy or deeper talks in order to feel safe. “We’re together because we want to be” is an affirmation that DeGeare advises using to reaffirm trust and stability in your relationship.
4. Make Sure You’re Not Over Compromising.
While it’s easy to start placing your needs second in any relationship, Dr. Hoffman observes that long-distance couples tend to experience this sooner. “You might find yourself saying things like, ‘I asked for a bedtime chat, but it’s okay if they don’t call,'” she says.
In relationships, compromise is essential, but there’s a thin line between giving up on what important to you completely and meeting halfway. Dr. Hoffman cautions against gradually compromising your wants as this might result in anxiety symptoms as restless nights, heaviness in the chest, and intrusive thoughts. Unchecked anxiety can lead to a persistent desire for reassurance that cannot be met by affirmation or phone calls, which can eventually lead to conflict and tension.
It could be time to think about quitting your relationship if you find that these concessions are physically giving you distress or if you typically feel worse about your relationship than good. “There’s no shame in admitting that a long-distance relationship isn’t right for you, even if you care deeply for your partner,” DeGeare says.
5. Don’t Stay Because You Made That Aforementioned Plan.
It’s obvious that things aren’t working in the relationship when one of you crosses critical limits, such as lying or going days without speaking. However, as DeGeare notes, a lot of long-distance relationships can end quietly and amicably without either partner wishing to acknowledge it.
“Letting a long-distance relationship last is surprisingly easy, especially if there aren’t any major arguments,” she says. Although it can also occur in in-person relationships, DeGeare finds that it tends to happen more frequently when there isn’t daily contact. Without consistent communication, it’s simple to inadvertently forget about your partner.
Even if you’ve gone through a long-distance phase, you may still enjoy the concept of someone waiting for you, but are you really interested in that, particularly with this particular person? “When you have exciting plans like a vacation in Mexico, it’s easy to avoid facing heartbreak by pushing through,” advises DeGeare. She suggests making frequent self-checks to make sure you’re still really committed. Like Dr. Hoffman, who suggests routine relationship check-ins, DeGeare suggests thinking back on your feelings to see how your relationship really affects you. You can do this by journaling or by taking a calm stroll.
6. Try To Enjoy The Ride.
A long-distance relationship involves a lot of trust, open communication, and careful planning to navigate across time zones, cities, or even countries. However, it doesn’t have to be difficult.
Through late-night conversations that last into the early hours of the morning and the sensation of the phone against your ear, being apart can lead to deeply finding each other. As they share pictures of their lives and loved ones, you can get genuinely interested in their world. Encouraging one another to work toward distinct goals that might eventually come together can deepen your relationship.
“Years from now, you might say, ‘We didn’t just survive; we learned to communicate in ways that might have taken years in person,’ because you built such a strong foundation.” DeGeare considers. And we decided to act on it. I’m pleased with us.
DeGeare, like myself, converted her long-distance relationship into a marriage and a loving family, so she is aware that LDRs can have happy endings. Effective communication during difficult moments, such as remote visits, disconnected calls, or unclear arrangements, is crucial for a long-distance relationship to succeed. I promise you it is worth the effort and not just a pipe dream.
