Reasons Why I Am A 40+ Old Virgin
I’ve been on hundreds of dates, I’m past 40, still single, and still a virgin. Here’s why.
During our meeting, my date—who had recently become a devout follower—vented about the difficulties of adjusting to life after divorce and bemoaned his isolation. It seems that he was unaware of the fact that I had been managing loneliness on my own for the duration of his marriage.
When I brought this to his attention, I could really see his thoughts spinning as he came to terms with the insight.
“Wait a minute,” he muttered, his eyebrows furrowing in bewilderment. “Didn’t you say you’ve been religious your entire life?”
That’s correct, I confirmed.
“And you’ve never been married?”
“Correct.”
“I find it unbelievable. You appear to be really composed.” He was very taken aback. “So you’ve never…?”
“No, I haven’t,” I answered, realizing that his inquiry was incomplete.
“Whoa. You’re not married yet?” It was evident how shocked he was. Obviously, it had never occurred to him that his date may remain unspoiled.
I gave a nod.
Blurting out, “Even my daughter isn’t a virgin anymore,”
People say such awful stuff! It was me who was reeling now. At what age did he claim his daughter to be? Fifteen? sixteen? I knew that neither he nor his daughter had always practiced their religion. I knew values may differ greatly, but I wasn’t ready for such an open admission. Was he embarrassed or proud to share this? It escaped me completely, and for a minute I ran out of things to say.
Then, he said, “We could book a hotel room right now and I’ll show you what you’ve been missing!” His offer betrayed his agitation over my supposed deprivation and was more of a crass reaction than a sincere idea.
My goal is marriage. If a guy can easily get what he wants from a woman, with no commitment necessary, he is far less likely to commit.
I want to marry according to Jewish tradition and follow its laws about intimacy, regardless of the dominant media narrative. Movies and TV shows frequently make fun of the idea of virginity. Characters like Donna from 90210, who was called the “virgin” for delaying sexual activity from high school to college, or the geeky protagonist in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, reflect this trope with varying degrees of subtlety and blatantness. Even though I occasionally felt alone or like I was deprived, this was clearly not how I had imagined my journey.
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” is a proverb. Marriage is the ultimate objective for me. A man is less inclined to make the commitment to a long-term relationship if he can have what he wants with ease and without much effort. Research indicates that marriage rates are typically lower in societies where sexual activity is widely accepted. Marriage is the goal, thus there must be a significant commitment.
I know the ache of first love that fades and the ensuing mental turmoil that can take weeks to get over—and that’s before we even get to the more complicated issue of physical closeness.
I used to let attraction influence my decisions. The rush of attention frequently took precedence over rational questions about whether two people could last in a committed relationship. Luckily, I was able to clear my head before committing too much time. I’ve witnessed years of others being engrossed in transient emotions, only to find a lack of genuine compatibility and common goals.
I have persistently upheld my own boundaries despite having my emotional and occasionally bodily boundaries pushed. And I’m still appreciative of that.
I want physical intimacy to be part of a bigger package, one that I hope will last forever.
The most satisfying partnerships I’ve ever been in were based on respect for one another and common objectives. Though my feelings might have been intense after the breakup, the person I romanticize as “the one that got away” wasn’t the one I had been fascinated with. Rather, it was the man who I thought would make a perfect husband and parent, with whom I had deep moral similarities, and who grew to be a close friend, that really escaped my grasp.
My viewpoint is distinct and narrowly focused now. I have no interest in chasing after several partners or having brief physical interactions. Relationships are not something I want to “test-drive” or compare.
A relationship that includes more than simply physical intimacy—a deep, lasting tie, commitment to each other, and harmony with our shared values and beliefs—is what I want to see as a component of a broader, enduring commitment.
I want my first intimate experience to be a sign that I have finally found my true soul mate, someone I can spend the rest of my life developing a deep and lasting relationship with.
