7 Lies Hollywood Told Me About Love
Like many girls growing up in America, I was constantly exposed to Disney fairy tales, soap operas, and rom-coms. Even while I knew intellectually that Hollywood frequently distorted the story of love, the constant exposure I had starting at a young age left these dreams ingrained in my mind. Real and reel started to blend together, making it simple to confuse cinematic magic for real life.
To dispel these myths, it took me years of difficult dating situations and a closer examination of my Jewish beliefs. These are the top seven false beliefs about love that Hollywood has taught me.
1. Love is Falling
Hollywood promotes the idea that love is an impulsive energy that can occasionally take you by surprise and even go against your better judgment. Though the movies seem to say that falling hard is all that matters and there’s not much you can do about it, you could find yourself falling in love with someone who doesn’t live up to your expectations or even has red flags.
Judaism, on the other hand, emphasizes that starting a relationship is a thoughtful, intentional process. Even though you may feel strong emotions that seem uncontrollable, you have a choice in how you react to them.
I help my clients realize that strategic dating is more important to finding true love than chemistry alone. Rather than merely giving in to the seduction of an impulsive attraction, we put our attention on making deliberate choices to form a partnership with someone who shares our long-term beliefs and objectives.
2. You Will Instantly Know When You Meet The One
Enchanted is one of my favorite movies. The princess falls from a tree in a famous scene, and the prince—whom she has never spoken to—catch her and announce, “We’ll be married in the morning!” Disney is jokingly referencing its own fairy tale cliches, but it also reflects the persistent misconception that love happens instantly and doesn’t involve any conversation. The takeaway is that chemistry is all that matters and you don’t need to discuss things further. The “click” and the fireworks—marry them already!
This idea that love has to happen right away can be especially harmful to someone looking for a lifetime companion. Many of my customers erroneously think that chemistry or a deep connection will be enough to instantaneously identify “the one.” They hope it will be obvious that he’s the one when they see him across the room and exchange meaningful looks.
Although it is a lovely experience when it occurs, this type of instant connection is not common. When you get to know someone more, the person you once thought was just “cute” or “nice enough” may often end up being the perfect fit. Authentic, profound attraction frequently grows gradually rather than suddenly.
Therefore, if you don’t immediately see fireworks, don’t give up. Love at first sight is not common. Let the partnership develop naturally. Put your faith in your head and allow your emotions and heart to follow. While emotions and attraction have their place, the process shouldn’t be dominated by them right away.
3. Love And Lust Are Synonymous
In the media, lust and love are frequently confused. The implication is that love is only a chemical reaction and that if he is physically attracted to her, it must mean he loves her. This creates the false impression that love is nothing more than infatuation, which is frequently portrayed in films as an intense, all-consuming passion that causes you to think about someone constantly.
Although it can be thrilling, being infatuated is a condition where hormones and chemistry rule the day and reason is subordinated. Marriage provides a strong foundation for long-term commitment, but it may not provide the same exhilarating rush.
In my profession, I work with clients from different backgrounds to help them date purposefully, delaying sexual attraction as they consider long-term suitability. It’s important to date with an open mind, undisturbed by the transient rush of oxytocin and dopamine—hormones that frequently play a role in physical interactions—given the high divorce rate.
Focus on the qualities that are necessary for a long-lasting relationship—mutual respect, moral integrity, compassion, and a dedication to self-improvement—regardless of how strong the first chemistry may be. These are the real indicators of a happy, long-lasting marriage.
4. The Bad Boy Will Change For The Right Girl
Some women say things like, “I love a challenge,” or “He’ll want to marry me once he gets to know me,” but then they regret it. While the cinematic portrayal of the damaged bad guy becoming a committed partner due to his love for the perfect woman is intriguing, it is not a common occurrence in real life.
A terrible boy is unlikely to change fundamentally or be reformed. If at first he seems like a player, chances are good that he will stay that way even after you’ve entered his life. It is pointless to try to change him, so stop wasting your energy.
Seek out a companion who is already dedicated to a devoted, marriage-minded relationship instead. Instead of trying to alter someone who is unlikely to change, find someone who shares your aims and values from the beginning.
5. Looks And Image Recreate Long Term Happiness
Hollywood has constantly instilled in us the notion that material wealth, social standing, and outward looks are the keys to lasting pleasure. Certain clients confide in me that they think their perfect mate needs to be “six feet tall, stunningly attractive, and financially well-off.”
However, does any of this actually result in a solid, long-lasting marriage? Humans vary with time; their weight varies, their hairlines get thinner, and their financial situation rises and falls. Selecting a mate purely on the basis of these flimsy characteristics puts you at risk of disappointment and possibly even divorce.
Give priority to characteristics that last rather than fleeting ones like money or appearance. While chemistry and attraction are vital, evaluating a man’s character and making sure he shares your beliefs and deal-breakers is the cornerstone of a successful marriage.
6. Physical Intimacy Leads To Marriage
Physical attraction in Hollywood frequently moves the plot forward faster, with chemistry quickly resulting in a “happily ever after.” It seems sense to get married immediately away if there is a spark and there is a strong physical connection, right?
In actuality, though, allowing physical intimacy to control a relationship’s trajectory is rarely a formula for long-term success. When physical chemistry is the dominant factor, relationships frequently stay superficial and finally fail due to unsolved issues and a lack of true compatibility. Good morals? Usually not the center of attention in these situations.
It’s important to ignore physical aspects when dating smartly. You may be unable to determine if someone is genuinely the ideal match for a lifelong relationship if you let chemistry get in the way of your judgment.
Jewish tradition takes a distinct tack when handling situations. We start by evaluating compatibility at a deeper level, emphasizing shared values and emotional kinship. We don’t think about adding physical closeness until we have a solid emotional connection and are certain the other person satisfies our fundamental requirements. Prioritizing a meaningful connection over physical features of the relationship is the result of this deliberate strategy.
7. Love Last Forever If You Choose Properly
Sleepless in Seattle is a prime illustration of the Hollywood illusion. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan establish a strong phone bond in this movie, but they never meet in person until the very end. The whole movie hinges on whether or not they will finally cross paths, and when they do, the narrative ends as though that’s the definitive answer.
They’ve never had an actual conversation, but they’re still portrayed as soulmates who were meant to be together. Without knowing whether their wants, values, or aspirations coincide, we are forced to presume that they will live happily ever after. The couple first appears in the film, sailing out into a sunset of perhaps eternal bliss.
This idealized conclusion begs the questions of what true love is all about and how to know when someone is “the one.” A sequel called Awake in Seattle, where the couple has to deal with real life problems when their first infatuation wears off, is something I often dream about.
The idea that finding the right partner will automatically result in an eternally happy life is one that Hollywood actively promotes. Marriage really does take a lot of work, even if you’ve found the ideal partner. It can be difficult to adjust to the unique backgrounds, family relationships, and cultural influences that each partner brings to the relationship. You won’t be surprised when things get difficult because movies never show how difficult it really is to keep a marriage together. Being a caregiver and an unconditional giver is a difficult road that calls for real work and dedication.
