Be The Change In Your Marriage
You must put on the cape yourself before you can expect your partner to become your personal superhero.
As the Hebrew month of Elul approaches, it’s appropriate to engage in in-depth introspection. You may be thinking, “Do I really have to start with myself? Can’t I just focus on how my spouse should improve?” But, although it may be tempting to fix your partner’s shortcomings, the real change starts with you.
1. THE BLAME GAME
You must put on the cape yourself before you can expect your partner to appear out of nowhere as your own personal superhero. Elul, the Hebrew month, is approaching, making it an ideal moment to engage in in-depth introspection. Is it truly necessary for me to start with myself? Can’t I just concentrate on making my spouse’s shortcomings right?”
If we’re constantly noticing flaws in our spouse, we might just see a reflection of something we need to work on ourselves.
As tempting as it may be to point out your partner’s faults, the real change starts with you.
Take this into consideration: Proverbs 27:19 says, quite wisely, “As water reflects a face, so a heart reflects what is in it.” Our relationships act as mirrors, showing us our own behaviors and attitudes. If you find yourself fixating on your partner’s faults, you might be seeing a reflection of your own areas needing change.
Consider me as an example. I occasionally lose my temper with the kids when I’m worried or overwhelmed. Although it’s not ideal, it feels like the world is ending when my spouse follows suit. How could he not always be the ideal parent?
2. THE POWER OF EXPECTATIONS
Our expectations act as filters, influencing how we see relationships. Our perspective of reality can be greatly influenced by our expectations about our relationship. We are more likely to notice and appreciate their supportive, loving, or attentive behaviors when we expect them to be such. It’s similar to deciding on a car model; once you make up your mind, you start seeing it everywhere. It’s not that the car suddenly appeared more frequently, but your awareness has been heightened.
Conversely, if you brace yourself for negativity or disappointment, you might end up fixating on those elements, even if they’re less common than you believe. Your mindset can steer your interactions profoundly. Enter a conversation expecting conflict, and you’re likely to encounter it. Approach it with a spirit of understanding and positivity, and you’re more apt to foster a constructive and affectionate dialogue.
3. THE POWER OF POSITIVE CHANGE
The true meaning of “I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me” is revealed at this point. Start by being more affectionate, attentive, or patient with your partner if you want them to be those things as well. It’s about changing yourself, not about changing them. A surprising thing happens when you start being the kind of spouse you want: your partner starts to reflect those same changes.
Think about the following situation: You’re upset that your partner isn’t communicating with you as often as you’d want. You don’t just simmer in silence or leave subliminal clues; you really initiate things.
You engage in greater dialogue with your spouse, listen intently when they talk, and genuinely seem interested in what they have to say. Your partner will eventually show signs of increased openness and engagement as well as a sense of security and worth. You’ve created an environment where your partner is motivated to change as well by changing the way you approach things.
Alternatively, you can feel undervalued and believe that your efforts at home are not acknowledged. You start showing appreciation for your partner’s efforts, no matter how small, rather than allowing your resentment to fester. You give them credit for making you smile, getting the garbage out, and preparing dinner. You’ll soon start receiving more “thank you” in your correspondence. All your partner is doing is mirroring the positive energy you’ve brought into your partnership.
4. LOOKING INWARD FOR CHANGE
You may find that you and your partner are equally accountable for the status of your relationship if you’re willing to take a sincere look at yourselves. While acknowledging your own part can be difficult, doing so opens the door to significant transformation.
By taking responsibility for our actions, we can break the blame cycle and create a more loving, harmonious relationship.
Rather than concentrating on how your partner could do better, ask yourself, “What can I do to improve my own actions?” How can I be the spouse I want my husband to be? You may end the blame game and create a more loving, peaceful connection by taking responsibility for your own role in the relationship. Cue the happy dance!
You may be unaware of how much power you actually possess. Although you have no control over every facet of your marriage, you do have control over how you react, and that response has the power to change everything. You may create a healthy atmosphere in your relationship by modeling the qualities you would like to see in others—more love, tolerance, and understanding.
Why then wait? Sprinkle some thankfulness and extra compassion into your everyday interactions, and observe how the dynamic changes. You have the ability to initiate change right now; you don’t need to wait for your partner to do it.
